Thursday, August 1, 2013

Werking Gal

In the course of approximately two and a half years, I have been employed by seven different companies (one of which I am still a not really kind of slave for, depending on whether you count pinning as a job). Yet after bouncing about in the bliss that is practically unemployment, I have just realised that wait I need moneys and cents to pay baristas, bus drivers and book shop owners. Not having a reliable source of income is quickly becoming very inconvenient. Add in the fact that I am a student, and you have yourself the painful embodiment of a stereotype (#unilyf). What is life.

A word to all of the prospective employers I have emailed, called and flashed my very best Pan Am smile at. For you, I have suffered. I have painfully sought the hell out of I have spent immense amounts of time attempting to advertise myself adequately, without wandering off past the dreaded border of excellent employee material and into the land of absolute wankerdom. I have called your phone numbers with prepared questions in my head, even though I would rather eat my own freshly boiled hair. And yet here I am still, jobless and edging ever so closer to penniless. What exactly is it that you want from me?

I think I can confidently say that I am a competent member of the human race. I have never engaged in taboo activities that society frowns upon (incest, cannibalism, wearing crocs or fleece) and I only have a few conditions I swear. I want some hours that don't clash with my hectic science degree time eating timetable. And I want at least the minimum salary for my age. TWO REQUIREMENTS. Why is this hard? I want to make this work, (pun not intended) but you are clearly too busy never replying to me. What is with that? Why is that I won't ever even receive a memo noting "you didn't make the fit sorrynotsorry"? It's not hard to not be a terrible human being and just allow me the courtesy of knowing that you weren't feeling the font on my resume.

I genuinely wish that I didn't value dem dollas as much as I do. That's what leads to this misery. I would probably be a lot happier if I casted off all material cravings, dropped out of uni, forgot about my caffeine habit and galavanted towards the nearest street corner with some shoe polish and a sign saying 'GUD TYM 4 $$$'. But then I probably wouldn't have internet or deodorant or a regular intake of gum and what kind of existence is that. (not one I can easily leap balls deep into)

So here's to my unemployment. May it end soon. Then I can start complaining about my job, rather than my lacking of one, because I would sincerely prefer that. Or I could do a Frida and find me a wealthy bachelor while chanting maniacally MONEY MONEY MONEY. Then I probably would only complain about my not owing a holiday home in Southern France.

UPDATE: I have a job interview tomorrow. Piss on your dog and wish me luck.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Things I Have Learnt In the Past Few Months...

  • Being broke is not fun. Love may be all you need, but it sure as hell will not buy you a decent cup of coffee.
  • University is hard work if you are a science student. For a lazy person like me, this will induce a lot of questions of WHY and HOW and WHY. Then I'll remember that I don't know what else I could do that could contribute towards a future I may actually like. It would be an existential crisis, but half the time I am either too tired or don't care enough about anything to call it a crisis per say. It's a dilemma, certainly. I should probably figure this out.
  • If you want to know who your real friends are when you have left school, wait until your birthday and see who still feels compelled to write two letters (hb) and a smiley if they especially like you. If you are like me, that will be less than half of the wishes you would have received while you were still in school. Is this is a bad thing? I personally don't really think so, but you may disagree and face a great reality shock.
  • Making friends out of school is hard. Like, you can't just walk up to anyone anymore and say wanna be friends? and then follow them around everywhere. Shit is complicated now. People are still as rude as Hitler too; for some reason I frequently forget that arseholes also graduate. They tend not to magically evaporate into sad post school shadows. 
  • A year ago I suspected that the curse of humanity are stupid people. I was right.
  • Turning 18 does not magically transform you into a being of pure maturity and adulthood. People will not automatically respect your opinions and values (especially if you are a girl). I still laugh at poo jokes. And Adventure Time is still the best thing since David Bowie.
  • Coffee is god. 

Friday, March 15, 2013

No Flowers Please

Please note: Never in my existence have I received a luxurious bouquet. I was given a single rose once. I probably would have appreciated it more if a greater percentage of it was not wilting and also not pricking me with great bloody thorns. The below is just an imagined response. Take it as you will.

Oh you bought me flowers? You shouldn’t have. No really, this is a shit gift. In my humble opinion, you are paying a lot more than necessary for some decapitated plants wrapped in flattened dead trees. (aka paper) They also don’t stay in that fascinatingly pristine state for long. Like a lot of deceased entities, they start to deteriorate and become a lesser version of themselves. You know, just like a corpse.

Is this bouquet really an accurate representation of what you happen to think of me? Of our relationship? Well shit son, it better not be. Oh you got them because they’re pretty? What are you attempting to articulate, that our companionship seems fetching, but has a doomed fate? That this friendship is already dead? That we may as well envelop it within more departed comradeships?

Let me pull a Pauline Hanson on you and shamelessly gripe for truth. PLEASE EXPLAIN. Because I cannot understand why you have given me these blossoms of blunder. I have no damage on potted plants, as they are still of this world and shall be for quite some time. Nor do I have a problem with floral prints in general. I agree with many humans on this point, flowers are picturesque at the very least. However when you wrench them out of their homes in the soil and shove them into my hands, how the hell do you expect to interpret your actions?

Do not even consider the plastic alternative. Oh yes, they’ll last for eons. So will a synthetic model of a corpse. Or an ex-parrot that has survived the process of taxidermy. Or Edward fucking Cullen. If I have not yet rendered this clearly to you; you are still retrieving a model of something that shits me very much so. A garland of dead pieces of garden only exemplifies how much of a fail at being a person you are. Especially if they are fake. To you I say, fuck your flowers. Good day sir.

Please also note: above becomes irrelevant if flowers in question are peonies.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Quick Tips for Surviving University

Congratulations! If you are reading this with the intention of becoming a fully fledged university bawus, it can be presumed that you were accepted into a tertiary education institute. Ku-fucking-dos goes to you my friend. Now you are entering into a stage where you are willingly prolonging your schooling years. In case it wasn't made clear to you, university is voluntary. You have already completed the legally required formal schooling.

Now that we have dispensed of the unnecessary crowd, let's continue. Supposing you are studying a degree that holds a certain level of employability (so not an arts degree) you will hopefully be working in a relevant field, with a higher pay-packet than what you would have otherwise received. This will be incredibly useful when paying off all of your atrociously immense student loans.

Otherwise, I have put together an amateur's guide for attaining prosperity at uni. Keep in mind that I am a first year student, who has not yet been to my first class. It's obvi that I not only hold, but I carved the keys to the door of success. Hey, I survived the final year of high school and I have watched Legally Blonde enough times to gain a legit expertise. So, here we go.

1. Like the Undergraduate Quick Tips - From Previous First Year Students page on Facebook. This collection of wisdom comes the creator/s (?) of the infamous Schoolies Quick Tips - From Previous Grade 12 Students and QCS Quick Tips - From Previous Grade 12 Students
pages. You know this is legit. In fact, for any well wishing student, this will be your Bible. With nuggets of wholesome truth such as "Ginger kids are actually not allowed to graduate from any educational institution in Australia", it's not only irresistible, it's essential.

2. Actually refuse to investigate the finer details of your degree. Your catchphrase should now be "what the shit is a major?" People will realise that you're a lewse bastard and instantly want to be your friend. Even your professors won't be able to help themselves from falling for the fine individual you are. The fact that you're flawed only adds to your entire demeanour.

3. Don the appropriate gear to create the whole "I'm a very serious student" aura. At the very least, chunky specs are absolutely mandatory.

4. It is not necessary to attend all lectures and tutorials. You must however be present at all toga parties, ready to rock out with your very best cake face and bed sheet. Have an exam the next day? No worries, have another rum and coke. You are not honestly prepared for the real world until you have completed a three hour exam with an ample hangover.

5. Instead of buying textbooks and watching hundreds of dollar disparate, chat up the unknowing person next to you and photocopy the pages necessary from their edition. This should probably only cost you half of what it should have, with only ten times the amount of effort. Repeat this process for all of your courses.    

6. Always remember the golden rule. May Daria bless you. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013


At homesome on your lonesome? No worries, here are twelve tracks to groove to this fine night. Feat. Redcoats, Feed Me & Crystal Fighters and Noah and the Whale along with many others.

Homebodies from girlwithatopknot on 8tracks Radio. Cover art found via weheartit