Monday, August 6, 2012

Brace Yourself

via weheartit

You know you have fucked up teeth when the people around you like to refer to you as the 'dragon'. When your dad winces whenever you open your mouth and double checks the legitimacy of your toothpaste. When inching your tongue over your chompers is like going forth on a bumpy but enthralling journey.

 At 11 years of age, I was chucked into the local orthodontist's chair and fitted with braces. It was necessary, my all knowing dentist said. My parents nodded along in all seriousness, noting the excessive costs. I on the other hand, was transfixed on the record breaking length of hairs on his limbs. Especially the ones that were connected to the hands inside my mouth. Nonetheless, I now had a metallic smile. It was bloody overwhelming.

 As all current and veteran bracefaces will know, having a membership in the metal mouth club is life changing. There is the forbidding of nearly all fun foods, the throbbing that lasts for a substantial period of time, the fact that your voice will be altered into an inferior version and of course, the sudden lack of sex appeal you hold. I hated my braces; yet I was fascinated by them. During those first days I earnestly ran my tongue over the strange new grooves over my teeth. I hated them for imposing extra effort upon me, a mere lazy shit, when brushing them and for creating so many restrictions in the eating realm. I remember my dentist was astonished when being told that I liked ALL of the food that I now could not eat without meticulous care. I was not a picky little prat: I LOVED corn and lollies and hard crunchy stuff in general.

As time passed though, they kind of grew on me. I liked choosing the coloured bands and I liked having a mutual moan with braceface buddies. When they came off 18 months later, I was slightly sad to see them leave. We had been through a lot together, my braces and me. I honestly do not miss them, but all the same, they were admirable in their finish. Thanks to them, I have pretty swell teethage (one of my few assets).

To all individuals who are to embark on the fang correcting quest, brace yourselves. That is all I shall say.


  1. After four wonderful years my braces and I parted ways. Admittedly I loved them, as much as I loved your concluding pun. Oh and Sarah you have many great assets... your dancing abilities for starters.

    1. Thank you lovely! My dancing... pfft. It's what gets me all the lads