Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Talk to Me Girl: Kobi Blake-Craig

Jokes, she totally likes me. KOBI LIKES ME OKAY

Kobi Blake-Craig ticks all of the right boxes. She's easy on the eyes, amazingly witty, has an appreciation for the fine art of puns and she laughs at my jokes! I like this chick and you will too, just have a browse through her spiffingly schwinging blog. We had a chat about all sorts. Now enter the scene.

Act One
Sarah is stationed within her family's Nissan. They are driving home after an exhausting day of shopping, at approximately 6:11pm. Sarah flicks quickly through her phone, refreshing her newsfeed. She quietly chortles at her friends' ventures and then instantaneously swears under her breath, tapping desperately at her screen. This continues as she participates in a simultaneous milk and noodle run and returns home, shovelling dinner into her system and flipping open her mac.

SARAH: Oh fuck. Sorry Kobi, I forgot that we made an appointment. I've been out and about.
KOBI: It's quite alright.
SARAH: So how's life?
KOBI: Finshed work at the indie hot spot and had a sleep and just work up... thug life
SARAHOh dear. Working our way through the weekend are we?
KOBI: Another day another dollar
SARAHI had work and I considered eating myself out of sheer boredom
KOBII wanted to spew over the peplem dresses
SARAHNot a fan of peplums are you
KOBII'm a fan of them when they are in the bin, where they belong
SARAHAre there any other trends that you particularly dislike, besides our good friend the peplum?
KOBIGalaxy, it's like why the fuck would you wear the universe in the form of a leotard?
SARAHI love all things space. I think the universe is stupendous. And I thought space things were kind of cool... But I dunno, it's been ruined. Since it has become slutgear that is.
KOBIIt's the skin tightness of it, its become like the mainstream 12 year old slut uniform
SARAHPretty much. I think we were born in the wrong generation Kobes. If you could have lived in any era, what would it be?
KOBII don't know, roaring twenties looked like a little bit of fun. Place the fact that I am a female, writing would not have been so mainstream. I probably would have been jailed for my vulgar language
SARAH: I like to think either the 60s or the Jurassic era. I mean, it's Beatles or dinosaurs. I'd be down with either
KOBIArgh, change my mind. Beatles are my life. If I lived in the 20's I would end up conforming to socieities norms because I'm a woman and being forced to marry and become a baby machine. I am all for female liberation dude

SARAHThe sixties would have been tops. You'd have good music and fashion.
KOBII actually own all the Beatle's studio albums and EP's so I already have good music.
SARAHNo I mean like imagine living in Hairspray.
KOBII guess. I would hate to put that much effort into getting dressed
SARAHYeah... I have to go, brb sorry

Cue Sarah swallowing her vegetarian Singapore noodles and lemon, lime and bitters. She swiftly returns to her mac.

SARAH: Ok, I'm back. My sister asked the worst possible question today
KOBI: Oh I'm intrigued
SARAHShe asked if she could cut up my Frankie magazines for the sake of her art assignment
KOBIWHAT. I think I just burst some blood vessels in my eyes
SARAHShe didn't seem to understand what she was asking
KOBIThat's practically like asking to cut up human babies for the sake of art...tacky
SARAHAt least you understand! She said I was being selfish
KOBIShe is being delusional
SARAHArgh siblings
KOBI: Want mine?
SARAHYou know, I actually always wanted a little brother
KOBII'll give you mine for free
SARAHHe can't be that bad...
KOBIHe lit a match in attempt to give me thrid degree burns when he was 4. Enough said
SARAHIt's funny how people try to kill their siblings when they're really young. I sat on my sister's head when she was two weeks old
KOBII wish I had sorted my brother out like that back then. Now he is a little like a wart you want to get removed but you don't because it has an almost loveable quality about it
SARAHI love my sister though, she can just be a bit silly. Like, when she asked my formal partner if he was going to our post and he said no, he had tutoring early the next day, she laughed for about two decades in his face
KOBIThat's awkward. My brother keeps asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. It's like bitch, I'm a feminist, deal with it. He was like I think you are just covering for being a lesbian
SARAH: Hahaha. Yeah, I've honestly never had a boyfriend and I don't feel an urge to get one.
KOBIIt's too mainstream
SARAHI don't know why everyone feels that you NEED a beau when you're a certain age
KOBI: That is how unwanted pregnancies start
SARAHIt totally is! Besides, I've never met anyone of a suitable age that I would genuinely like to spend most of my time with
KOBII like a man with good books
SARAHGood looks help also. Although, that's a bit much to ask for in my case
KOBIOh Sarah, you are a little hard on yourself. What guy doesn't like a top knot
SARAHTop knots are the sex, boys just don't seem to realise it. I will admit, I love me a good pair of eyebrows
KOBII am partial to a man who appreciates the art of puns and hating Jodi Picoult
SARAHPunniness is a must. I wonder if you could place that as a desirable quality in a site like RSVP?
KOBII would love to try. I mean people practically list their favorite positions
KOBIWhy not list punniness... it is a characteristic
SARAHGirl with a top knot seeking tall male companion with beasts of eyebrows, love of quality literature, an appreciation of puns and a healthy sense of sarcasm
KOBI: Now isn't that rereshing. John Howard sounds like your perfect match minus the puns/sarcasm/tallness and love of literature
SARAHOh excellent! When I say beasts of eyebrows, I mean eyebrows that don't like they've been plucked to exhaustion. That is a major turnoff
KOBI: It is slightly non-masculine
SARAH: Like Gosling's eyebrows. That boy has great eyebrows
KOBI: Oh they are out of this world
SARAHHow would you write your dating profile Kobes?
KOBIDeliciously below average looking woman seeking a male specimen who is punny, literate well read (obviously this excludes Jodi Picoult) and reasonably athletic without being a dickhead. Sarcasm is pertinent or else we will not understand each other. Desirable that he knows how to behave well in cinemas
SARAHDammit, I totally would be your perfect other half. It's just that I'm not man enough I'm afraid
KOBIIt's a shame really Sarah. They also must listen to tasteful music
SARAHI'd have that as a requirement also. Anyone that listens to screamo can forget getting all up in this
KOBI: Argh I second that
SARAHI mean that. There's not a lot of music I distinctly hate but I cannot stand screamo
KOBIIt's like impaling my head to nails on a brick wall
SARAHI don't even mind dubstep either, it's just screamo. What are they screaming about anyway? How much their throats hurt because of how much they have to scream?
KOBI: If they articulated their words better we may understand what they are saying
SARAHDamn straight.
KOBI: Maybe I should say screaming
SARAHSpeaking of music, are you listening to any right now?
KOBI: Yes. Embarrassingly I am going through a rather 90's driven stage
SARAHHow is that embarrassing? I love the 90s
KOBI: Currently playing is Boys and Girls, Blur
SARAHGood selection. As of now I am listening to lots of P!nk which is a nice change from the constant replays of Gangnam Style

KOBII go through stages when I listen to music from a particular time period. Honestly though 70's are my all time favorite era
SARAH90s and 60s are my personal faves
KOBII am very partial to some Elvis though. Bit of Burning Love never goes astray on my lonely Friday nights
SARAHDarling! On my lonesome nights, Touch My Body is always quite good
KOBII actually have a playlist entitled Company for Friday Night
SARAHNow that's invigorating
KOBIIt's comprised of twenty tracks. A little long for a playlist
SARAHGive us a sample
KOBI: But then again so are Friday nights. It includes You Sexy Thing, Hot Chocolate
SARAHIt's suddenly a good playlist
KOBIClothes off - Gym Class heroes
SARAHSounds excellent
KOBIBaby Phat De La Soul... I'm thinking about putting it up on the Department for my 9 followers to enjoy but it is kinda your thing
SARAHNooo dooo itttt. Making playlists is for everyone, not just for a special few. It's not like singing or making art. I don't care what you say, NOT EVERYONE can sing
KOBII second that. I am as tone deaf as a gold fish and know it
SARAHAs am I. I don't know why people won't let me embrace it
KOBII do at assembly school hymn time
SARAHDoesn't everyone? Hymn time is something I will not miss
KOBIPlace at the table is my fav hymn
SARAHI don't mind Go Make a Difference personally. Although Yes Lord makes me consider manslaughter
KOBIIt's so repetitive it makes me homicidal
SARAHAnd the actions! The actions make us seem like members of a Christian cult
KOBIWe basically are forced members of a christian cult
SARAHI guess that comes with being enrolled in a Catholic school
KOBI: At least we behave like them
SARAHTrue. We're the real prototypes of doublethink
KOBI1984 references are applicable to any situation
SARAH1984 references are just splendid
KOBI: Agreed
SARAHOrwell was actually a genius. 1984 has become one of my must reads
KOBIAnimal Farm is also on that list I hope
SARAHYes, but I do have a special spot for 1984
KOBI: So do I
SARAHWhat are you reading at the moment?
KOBI: Been a bit slow lately. I just finished headgames by nick earls and I'm kinda between books
SARAHI hate that. When you're kind of being in a slow phase with books. I struggled to get out of my last one with The Beautiful and Damned
KOBII'm hoping to start White Teeth Zadie Smith
SARAHWhat's that about?
KOBII don't really know, I sinned and picked a book by its cover
SARAHI'm guilty of that crime
KOBIIt's the burden of being a visual learner I guess
SARAHWell everything about reading is visual. You may as well have a visually appealing cover
KOBI: Agreed
SARAHOkay, I have some words. I'd like your immediate thoughts when I tell you them
KOBI:I love this game
SARAH: Taxidermy
KOBI: Old women
KOBI: Marble benches
SARAH: What. What the actual shivering shit
KOBI: Here at the Blake-Craig residency we have marble bench tops, any food associate with them
KOBI: Vomit
SARAHKim Kardashian
SARAH: Ha! Peplum
KOBI: Slut
SARAH: Dolphin
KOBI: Rape
SARAH: Burgundy
KOBI: Mostache
SARAH: Majestic
KOBI: Myself. Jks. It's actually the captains walking in the college candle etc at the start of assembly
SARAHHAHAHA.  Ok, montague
SARAH: And last one that I can think of, girl with a top knot
KOBI: Awesomeness
SARAH: Dawww, shanks Kobes.
KOBI: Welcome

End Scene

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