Apocalypse Now?

It is Tuesday, 11 December, 2012. There are 10 days until the supposed end. People have started to panic. I have read statuses on Facebook asking if anyone would like to spend the next two weeks swapping saliva and being impregnated (or whatever they need a boyfriend for) and I have read job adverts (hopefully) jokingly implying that all applicants should hurry before the world ends. Soon, I suspect that there will be shortages of canned food, torches and battery powered radios. Or maybe not. Y2K was only a decade ago. Hopefully the majority of the human race can remember it and maybe overlook the terribly misinterpreted message of the Maya.

I do have one word to equate all of this apocalyptic bullshit to. Hollywood. The film industry has fed off our fear, like one giant crooked dementor, raging not for our souls, but for our attention and our money. Yet if you know me, you'll know if there's one thing I love, it's irony. This apocalyptic season, I plan on watching only the finest in dystopia, delivered by Hollywood itself. In order to find the biggest and the best I asked the only the biggest and best experts. Not really, I just asked some blogger gal pals over Facebook.

MEG: The Day After Tomorrow which I don't remember seeing but the ads used to freak me out a lot. 2012 was cool because of the hot Russian dude but other than that was shit. Do zombie apocalypse sort of movies count as the end of the world?

ELLEN: The movie Knowing... It's like a scifi movie but it's about the world ending and these people's children being the next generations adam and eve. It's a Nicholas Cage film, enough said.

MEG: 28 Days Later is pretty cool. The main character is a complete idiot and he probably should have died but the zombies were cool. Looking forward to when I get around to watching 28 Weeks Later. 

Zombieland was amusing. Cool take on the whole zombie virus thing really. 
I can't think of anymore off the top of my head right now...
Ellen, that sounds cool

SARAH: Yeah, dystopia + bible references + incest + Nicholas Cage = quite a watch. (Ellen liked this)

ELLA: How about the movie Melancholia and Another Earth?

ELLEN: Melancholia is amazing!

SARAH: What's Melancholia about?

  

MEG: I want to see that! Sarah, this is what IMDb says it's about: "Two sisters find their already strained relationship challenged as a mysterious new planet threatens to collide with the Earth." Also, I think that Dogma can totally fit this criteria

[NB Meg and I are both Dogma fanatics. As far as we're both concerned, it's gospel. Any Dogma reference is a fabulous reference.]

SARAH: Totally. If there was going to be an apocalypse, I'd like to think that two fallen angels named Matt Damon and Ben Affleck had something to do with it.

MEG: And that Chris Rock, Jay and Silent Bob and Alan Rickman would be part of a team trying to stop it.

SARAH: Don't forget Salma Hayek.

MEG: How did I forget Salma? I wish I was a prophet so I could hang with Jay and Bob

SARAH: I know right! Although Jay and Silent Bob would hit on you constantly. Those boys are desperate for some skirt

MEG: Yeah but I would find them some skirt elsewhere and we would all basically become bros that spread the word of God and stop Matt Damon and Ben Affleck from destroying the world.

SARAH:  I just want to be God in that movie. You know when you see God and (s)he is just smelling flowers and doing cartwheels?

MEG: I think that is exactly what God should be like. I feel like watching it again but I won't because I will save it for rainbow pancakes.

SARAH: I am so pumped for rainbow pancakes at yours. I seriously do bags a pink one, otherwise there will be an apocalypse.

After this exchange, I watched the other film that Ella had mentioned, Another Earth. It had a promising central concept as mentioned in the title. There is another planet, that is exactly like Earth. It is discovered that everyone has a twin living on Earth 2 that is identical in every way, even in their past lives. WHAT. However, I had mixed feelings upon the ending credits. If you don't appreciate a very gradual movement in plot and action, this film is definitely not for you. In that, it will slowly tear at your fast paced or even merely moving loving self. Note that it does break the criteria by not portraying an end of planet Earth.

Otherwise, I wish all the very best for the 'end' and the actual end of the year. Have a very happy apocalypse!

LSP Forever

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A while ago, one of my daily stalks Rookie uploaded a fabulous article about one of my all time favourite fictional characters, Lumpy Space Princess. For me, it was almost like a disney dream come true. Rookie + LSP = Christmas in September for Sarah. No joke, I squealed with glee when I saw the title of the post. I promise you reader, I'll explain why I love Rookie another day. Right now, I am going to fangirl over Lumpy Space Princess.

If you have never experienced the pleasure of viewing Jake the dog's and Finn the human's antics in Cartoon Network's Adventure Time, you simply have not tasted pure joy. This show which first debuted in 2010, is a vivid cartoon which is set in the magical kingdom of Oo. I warn you, it is weird. It's wonderfully weird. You may scoff at my choice of optimum TV given that I hit double digits in my age a while ago; although as a friend of mine once said, there is  so much appeal for older audiences as Finn and Jake speak like teenagers from the 90s. As anyone in Gen Y will tell you, I was yours at 90s.

Adventure Time explores all sorts of themes, like friendship and power and magic and it's always awesome fun. Finn and Jake interact with lots of interesting characters, including the lolly people (Peppermint Butler, Cinnamon Bun) and the many princesses (Princess Bubblegum, Hot Dog Princess, Turtle Princess, etc.) My favourite princess and character is you guessed it, LSP. Who is this woman, you demand to know. SHE is a levitating purple cloud that speaks in a jaded Valley Girl tone. Everything she says is an instant catchphrase, such as 'oh my glob', 'drama bomb' and 'lump off'. However, with an LSP catchphrase, it also appears as mandatory to say it in her fruity twang. It's all in the tone man. Just try to listen to anything she says without bursting into spontaneous laughter. All credit for this brilliant persona goes to Pendleton Ward, the show's creator, who I imagine to be right up there with certain voice gods like Christian Bale in Howl's Moving Castle and Seth Green.

LSP is a sassy gal with top confidence, although as revealed in later episodes, there are more layers to her exterior sass. She can also be quite sensitive (as shown above) and also quite passionate. If there's one thing that LSP is, it's passionate. She's passionate about her lumps, her school's weekly promcoming dance and she's passionate about life in general.

LSP is also a fantastic story teller. One always feels inclined to exclaim "oh my glob", when her dramatic retellings of her romance with ex boyfriend Brad. My favourite episode personally, is one where she is isolated in the wilderness and is taken in by wolves. LSP tells Jake and Finn about it, saying that "the Mama wolf was all like, 'we must take care of her, as if she were our own'. And the papa wolf was like 'this is a special child who needs special love because she's gonna be great when she grows up'".
When hearing her recount of the event, Finn asks if they were talking wolves. "No," she replies. "They were normal wolves. I knew what they were thinking because of their body language."



 The only complaint I have to make about Adventure Time is that LSP only appears in some episodes. When she does appear though, she makes the show. I guess she just adds to a long tradition of minor characters dominating their protagonist's narrative - just like in Princess Bride and South Park. Here's to LSP- may she continue to be as enlightening in further episodes.

Looking Good Four Eyes

In the highly unlikely circumstances that you are a loyal reader of this blog, you may remember me moaning (how refreshing) about the screwed up gene pool I was born into. Sooner or later, I am inevitably going to be blind. Not completely; I'll be able to faintly perceive shadows and top knots. That's just one more likeness to bats I'm going to have. However because this is going to happen, irrespective of how many carrots I eat, I have decided to try to see the whole shitfest with a pair of rose coloured lenses.

What's this you say? There is a positive in having close to no seeing ability? Well yes. I shall now be able to wear chic specs with a legitimate excuse other than for undercover disguise reasons. Nope, I'm not trying to be a pretentious hipster. I'm actually as blind as Roy Orbison blindfolded. And you know what? I can look darn good in glasses if I wanna. A multitude of films prove me right; it's cool to be framed.

all images found via weheartit

Exhibit A: The Boy Who Lived. Generation Y's spectacled inspiration. Sure, Harry has terrible eyesight, but he's still a wizard and what's more HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE.

B: Laney Boggs. Although I love She's All That in all its classic Hollywood corniness, there is just something that sets me on my teeth about Laney and her specs. Her character is played by Rachel Leigh Cook, who is a stunner in any universe. Her glasses, like many other mere inanimate objects, just do not have the ability to transform her face into a cat's arse. Yet when Freddy Prince Jr removes them, she is suddenly revelled as 'beautiful'. Fuck you Laney. Fuck you, and go you at the same time. Go you for getting Freddy in the end.

C: Atticus Finch. Lawyer. Quiet activist against racism in the deep south. Intelligent. Dignified. Sophisticated. Dead shot. Dresses fantastically well. Wears specs like it's no one's business. Is there nothing this man can't do?

D: Miranda Prestley.  Despite the fact that Miranda is played by her Merrylsty and is automatically a character to love, this saucy woman is still the shit and she knows it. As editor of a high profile fashion magazine, she dresses like you'd imagine she would, like a sophisticated Goddess of Prada. She also is relentless in the manipulation of her employees, asking the impossible of new assistant Anne Hatherway and simply dismissing her with a raised eyebrow, her signature gesture of the hand and an absolute "that's all". She is quite mature as well, with her soft silver crested waves falling over her face and poor eyesight, but instead of letting her age hinder her, it just adds to her presence. Miranda is just heavenly bitchin' in all that she is. "Florals?" she says. "For spring? Groundbreaking."

E: Moss. Yes, The IT Crowd is not a film; it is a television series but I couldn't not include dear Moss in this list. Moss and I share many common characteristics; we're both dark skinned, we will inevitably share the glass eyed trait, we both have fanatical hair, we both spend too much time obsessing over technology (although he's a lot more skilled with it than I am), we're both insanely intelligent and hilarious and awkward, etc. Moss is just an excellent almost blind role model for me! Who else could supremely utter "I came here to drink milk and kick arse. And I've finished my milk." Those glasses ain't holding him down.

In short, kids, you can be a spectacled being and still hold an ultimate aura of cool. When I grow up, I can't wait to be lensed up and ready to prowl. Can't you?

Why Can't I Be You Lisbeth Salander?

images found via weheartit

Lisbeth, you are crude, royally unstable, dress like a sickeningly 'misunderstood' emo (or goth, whatever) and you stalk people for a living. You know what though? Lisbeth Salander, girl with a dragon tattoo, I like you.

If there is someone who epitomises cool, it's you. You pull off the endless shades of black, you have piercings, you ride around on your motorbike, you have the upper lip sneer bitch face thing going on. You're Swedish for god's sake. Your coolness is effortless for you. Times have been tough and you've learnt to be independent: you don't take shit from anyone. This is very cool; independent women are tops.

See? B and her homegirls agree. Speaking of Queen B, there is something that you are Lisbeth. You're Sasha fierce. Like I said before, you are not a force to be reckoned with. I'm pretty sure you've been in the doghouse for merciless bashing before. You can a crazy bitch when you need to be. Yet you never start it. You're just dealing with arseholes in your way.

You're also a deft hacker. Being a technotard, I commend you for this. Shit, I would hate to be investigated by you; you sure are able to scarily obtain the most minuscule details about people. You somehow managed to discover information about Mikel's high school band. How the actual... if you had done the same to me, I'd probably wouldn't even be angry or intimidated. I'd just be overwhelmed by your Jesus of hacking skills.

When I grow up, I don't want to be just like you. I just hope that I'm half as awesome as you are. Lisbeth, I shall continue to admire your badassery throughout the sequel books and movies that I am yet to read and watch. Lots of wide-eyed glances coming your way. All right, fangirl out.

Inconceivably Amazing: The Princess Bride

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Of course, I should have titled this post as 'What the girl with a top knot would proclaim as the best film in the history of ever' but as my two followers will probably know, I am a lazy shit and am not arsed.  Nonetheless, if you have simply failed at living, you will be curious to know what motion picture I am epitomising. Urghh just let me spell it out for you. THE PRINCESS BRIDE.

This 1987 film is basically my childhood captured in 98 minutes. Even though I have not watched it in a very long time, if I were to flick it on now I would probably still be able to recite the lines while sitting, still as mesmerised by it all as I was when I was 7. I would still find all of the jokes endlessly amusing. And Leslie and Buttercup would still both represent what perfect and sweet, true love should be. (Fuck you Disney - your notions of relationships have never quite portrayed love this well) Now if there was to be a universal indicator of timelessness, The Princess Bride should be close to, if not at the top end. You'd have a great specturm that could be conversely employed like this: on a scale of Supré to The Princess Bride, how timeless are you?

It all starts with a man reading an old novel to his  bed laden grandson. Upon first sight of the book, the kid warily asks "Is it a kissing book?" In any other film he would shit me to sundown, yet in this I find him daunting, but humorous. I like him. This is unusual, as in other movie I would probably hate him more than my year 11 Study of Religion teacher. Which gets the movie off to a great start! This is before we launch into a classic story within a story; where we are immersed into the lives of Buttercup (Robin Wright) the beautiful and the very dashing Westley (Cary Elwes). She is to be engaged to the tyrannical Prince Humperdink and in order to start a war, she is kidnapped and held captive. Where is Westley? You'll find out, won't you?

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It would be impossible for me to list everything that I like about The Princess Bride. The characterisation is superb. The characters are all tremendously likeable, from Westley to the giant Fezzik to even the six fingered man Count Tyrone Rugen, who arguably makes one of the best villains of the big screen. I imagine if one were to be truly nefarious, it would be in a fashion similar to the Count; he's well groomed and speaks in a serene and soft manner. It's amazingly creepy: his ambience as a tyrant is exceedingly effective. There's also the more minor characters that appear on occasion, who are what make the film. Seriously, this film would not have reached its level of supremacy without Billy Crystal's small part as Miracle Max, or without the hysterical performance of the Impressive Clergyman (see below - SPOILER ALERT), or the Albino or even Prince Humperdink's father, the old king (he only says a couple of lines but it's good stuff). I even like the grandfather and the grandson, because I always loved the humanity of their relationship. I also always wished that someone would read a lovely story like this one to me when I was ill, yet like many other simple loving gestures I've wanted, it never happened.



The names of all of the characters are also astoundingly great. (Here comes my obsession with names) Prince Humperdink? Fucking gold. Count Tyrone Rugen is also pretty boss. And doesn't Buttercup and Westley melt your insides? The names of the places are also noteworthy, like the Pit of Despair. Gah, now I'll perpetually question why can't I live in this film.

The Princess Bride also holds within it a series of top quotes. This goes hand in hand with its timelessness, as with all classic films there must obviously be some stupendous lines. I could not do any justice to all the sheer brilliance of some of these quotes. For example, the following clip demonstrates one of my favourite ones: (SPOILER ALERT)

Even saying "nice tits" in this movie holds a poignant poetry to it. Of course, there are the other classics as well such as "as you wish", "my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die", etc. Any old timer with this film will know these. Although I must also give credit to TPB for teaching me this marvellous word:

The Princess Bride is a fantastic film and if you have not viewed it already, then that is just inconceivable. I recommend that you see it immediately and afterwards absorb the sudden fulfilment of your life. Get back to me, we'll have a quoting party.

For making my childhood and being endlessly wonderful, The Princess Bride gets five stars.

★★★★★

Losing my Virginity to Flight of the Conchords (My Concert Virginity)

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If the title didn't reveal enough for you, can I honestly doubt your mentality? I kid, but you may already question the legitimacy of my existence if I only just witnessed my first concert and that it was a couple of eccentric Kiwi blokes. If you are not aware of who these men are, I suggest that you immediately head to your local video store and take out a copy of Season 1 of their show.  That's Flight of the Conchords - with an 'h'. I like to think that there two types of people that are in this world, those who can appreciate the finer humour of this show and those  who cannot begin to comprehend it. I shall fail fantastically at my attempt to describe, but it's the same kind of awkward humour that Napoleon Dynamite had combined with catchy tunage and New Zealander accents.

It's wonderfully quirky. I remember when the show was first aired in Australia (four or five years ago?) I was instantly mesmerised. Perhaps it's for individuals who will never reach the ultimate level of maturity and that are just lewse because often the show is just fanatically random in its flow. With that in mind, this duo definitely will be loved by the better half of humanity. Personally, I think FOTC is bloody excellent. It was just too sad that the boys never continued beyond Season 2; although there have been rumours of a revival: there may be a potential film on our hands.

I saw them recently in the Brisbanian leg of their Australian tour. If there is one matter that I am absolutely positive of, it is that this concert was potentially one of the best nights that I have ever had in my short life. I know you may have expertise on Siddartha Gautama's enlightenment that led him to the founding of Buddhism. While at this show, I reached a strange kind of conclusion (of course incomparable to Sid's). I was there at this show with two of my closest friends whom I had befriended at the beginning of high school. We had revelled in everything FOTC then and now here we were towards the end of our schooling careers, still together and here and reunited with our idols of comedy at this concert. I don't think I could provide a review worth reading about them as I'll probably be gushing (I am gushing) but whatever, it was fabulous. The boys performed some old favourites, but they also did some newbies which were just superb. Did I mention that their opening act was dear old Arj? He was quite splendid as well. I honestly walked out with a sore jaw from chortling so much.

For providing me with a such wonderful night, I'd like to give Flight of the Conchords four and a half stars. Thank you Brett and Je'maine for your presence as comedic gods.

★★★★ (and a half - why do I always do this? YOU STILL HAVE NO PERMISSION TO LAUGH AT MY TECHNOLOGICAL INCAPABILITY)

Oh How I Do Love Thee Heathers

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I usually hate American high school movies. Their protagonists are all just too focused on prom, cliques and finding a girl/boyfriend - usually to the point where it makes me feel like regurgitating whatever I ate last. I fail to relate to these bubblegum pictures of the 'typical teen' because they often forget to portray the issues that I struggle with in my adolescence. Instead they create new, perfect and simple representations of teenage girls with questionable 'problems'. Oh yeah, my life is sooo intense, like, who the frig am I going to take to prom? The thing that these 'films' love to silence is that the 'average' teenager's life is more overwhelmingly complex than most of their characters'.

One rare film of the genre to break this mould is Heathers, which is quite possibly one of the best movies I have ever had the pleasure to watch. The protagonist, Veronica Sawyer, (Winona Ryder) is a cynical and witty girl trapped within the confines of the popular clique, the 'Heathers'. That's right, all of her friends in this group are called Heather. They're all bitches too, with their leader maliciously ruling the school through a combination of sex appeal and intimidation. All of the Heathers revolve around what you could call the Mother Heather, while Veronica exists in a vicious state, hating her narcissistic friends and moaning about them in her diary. Everything changes with the appearance of the new kid, Jason Dean (Christian Slater).

I absolutely refuse to tell you anything else in fear of ruining it, but I will assert that this film is twisted, dark and ferociously funny. I laughed my way through it and relished every line as nearly every one is amazingly quotable. I mean, could you get any better than Heather Chandler's "fuck me gently with a chainsaw, do I look like Mother Teresa to you?". And it's the eighties! The eighties are flippin' boss to watch. I wish Hollywood would produce more teen material like this, with just the right touches of sarcasm and wit along with subtle references to classic literature embedded within the script. Heathers gets four and a half stars.

★★★★ (and a half - don't laugh at my technological retardation)

Hello World

As an Australian 90s kid, I was seriously uncool as I had not seen the very much acclaimed Saddle Club. I hadn't even lived in Australia for most of my life, let alone watched the a la mode of children's television. When I finally did experience attending school, the group of girls that I was friends with always wanted to play Saddle Club. They would stand together in serious discussion and I would nod at appropriate intervals without ever actually contributing. The distribution of parts would finally be  executed by a couple of strong headed individuals and being the black one, I always had to be Carol (the black one).

 I guess I should be grateful that I was even given the part of a human- some of the other girls had to be lone galloping horses and were constantly reminded by others to neigh. However, I still felt resentful about this game. I couldn't do anything right as Carol- I was too quiet, I could never imitate her American accent and I didn't know shit about horses. I didn't feel like a Carol, whoever on earth she was. This strange phenomenon named Saddle Club repulsed me.

Yet when I finally did watch the show, I adored it. Everything I had missed in my childhood was there: horses, horse riding children and horse related drama! Occasionally, there'd be a boy or two but who cared about those XY chromosome eggheads? THE HORSES WERE WHERE IT WAS AT.

Funnily enough, Carol ended up being my favourite character. After this, I could now move on in life, free of vengeance as those child racists were no longer an issue to me.

So without further ado, I feel that I can now introduce myself. I'm Sarah, the girl with a top knot.

Hello world.