Things I Have Learnt In the Past Few Months...

• Being broke is not fun. Love may be all you need, but it sure as hell will not buy you a decent cup of coffee.
• University is hard work if you are a science student. For a lazy person like me, this will induce a lot of questions of WHY and HOW and WHY. Then I'll remember that I don't know what else I could do that could contribute towards a future I may actually like. It would be an existential crisis, but half the time I am either too tired or don't care enough about anything to call it a crisis per say. It's a dilemma, certainly. I should probably figure this out.
• If you want to know who your real friends are when you have left school, wait until your birthday and see who still feels compelled to write two letters (hb) and a smiley if they especially like you. If you are like me, that will be less than half of the wishes you would have received while you were still in school. Is this is a bad thing? I personally don't really think so, but you may disagree and face a great reality shock.
• Making friends out of school is hard. Like, you can't just walk up to anyone anymore and say wanna be friends? and then follow them around everywhere. Shit is complicated now. People are still as rude as Hitler too; for some reason I frequently forget that arseholes also graduate. They tend not to magically evaporate into sad post school shadows. 
• A year ago I suspected that the curse of humanity are stupid people. I was right.
• Turning 18 does not magically transform you into a being of pure maturity and adulthood. People will not automatically respect your opinions and values (especially if you are a girl). I still laugh at poo jokes. And Adventure Time is still the best thing since David Bowie.
• Coffee is god. 

A Note on Siblings

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If there was one person I wanted in my life when I was growing up, it was a little brother. In my mind, he would be the the epitome of adorable, with chubby cheeks, a crooked smile and a slight lisp. He'd glance at me admiringly, thinking that I was cool in itself and hold tight at my hand when we went for our classic ice cream runs.

While I would envelop myself in this sweet daydream, I would also simultaneously ignore my younger sister and her whining cries of 'Saaawwwaaahh'. No offence to my girl Jess, but she could be a complete and utter shit. I mean, she did attempt to comb my hair between her toes. That was just one of her half brained antics. There is a reason that we still have regular disputes over what really are minuscule matters. (Bitch how hard is it to put my books back on my bookcase where you found them)

Nonetheless, I now consider her as my best friend/other half/homegirl/partner in crime/etc. I could not imagine life without the warming presence of my sister and without a doubt, she knows me better than I probably know myself. At her end of the spectrum, she never knew life without me to begin with, so I know that these feelings are mutual. We both eat unfeasible amounts of ice-cream together, we both cry at Million Dollar Baby together and we both love to rock out to some fabulous tunes together. Until the end of time/ice cream, I know that we got each others' backs and nothing will change that.

But I Can't Dance

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Dear Future Boyfriend/Fiance/Husband/Fuck Buddy/Client/Hired Employee/Whatever Intimate Relation,

Firstly, you should congratulate me. I managed to breach the intimate line with another human being. Then you should hop into a time machine that you'll inevitably have available to you and inform current me that no, I will not have to invest in a large number of cats and soft porn. If this doesn't make you question the legitimacy of our relationship, I question the legitimacy of your IQ. I apologize in advance, one mandatory requirement that I will definitely keep is that you are not a moron. So if your intelligence is in league with that of lé lapin, you will be dismissed. I'll take cats over twats any day.

However, I trust my future self, (the greatest love of all comes from yourself as Whitney liked to accentuate) so there you go. You'll be of an acceptable cleverness, you'll have lovely eyebrows that I could sleep in and you'll share my love of fabulous literature, film and tunage. Why else would I spend the majority of my time with you?

I'm writing to you to warn you of something. Something that may shake our relationship. You know how couples like to embrace a lot and when they go out together and they may even engage in synchronized movement to some music. I know this happens outside of movies, because at the age of 10 I had already been to enough weddings to verify this fact. Yeah, awkward because I can't dance.

I can't dance my love, I can't. I will certainly perform some sort of jovial jumping and wiggling hybrid but I don't move in a cohesive way to music. I know now how more humanities based Asians feel when society questions why they're aren't mathematically gifted. I'm black and I can't dance. So what do we do?

I have a proposal. We dance anyway. I can't dance and as of now I don't give a flying fucktasia. Imma shake mah thang regardless; so I don't see how this should stop me in the future. What I am worried about is that you'll be too embarrassed to dance with me. And I honestly hope this isn't the case. I want to dance with you darling and I want you to not care about the sudden isolation we'll be in when on the d-floor. Not only that, I want you to WANT to dance with me. Yeah, that's a lot I'm asking of you. But when you do fulfill this standard, I'll know I'll have snagged a worthy manfriend.

There's this terrible yet amazing expression that we have right now, I don't know if it'll still be around in your time. You Only Live Once. Maybe it's not true, but irrespective of this, I think we should embrace it. Why not boogie it down with me, even if I appear to be having an upright seizure? YOLO it up my dear.

Kisses,
Your Ladyfriend's 17-old-self

Looking Good Four Eyes

In the highly unlikely circumstances that you are a loyal reader of this blog, you may remember me moaning (how refreshing) about the screwed up gene pool I was born into. Sooner or later, I am inevitably going to be blind. Not completely; I'll be able to faintly perceive shadows and top knots. That's just one more likeness to bats I'm going to have. However because this is going to happen, irrespective of how many carrots I eat, I have decided to try to see the whole shitfest with a pair of rose coloured lenses.

What's this you say? There is a positive in having close to no seeing ability? Well yes. I shall now be able to wear chic specs with a legitimate excuse other than for undercover disguise reasons. Nope, I'm not trying to be a pretentious hipster. I'm actually as blind as Roy Orbison blindfolded. And you know what? I can look darn good in glasses if I wanna. A multitude of films prove me right; it's cool to be framed.

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Exhibit A: The Boy Who Lived. Generation Y's spectacled inspiration. Sure, Harry has terrible eyesight, but he's still a wizard and what's more HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE.

B: Laney Boggs. Although I love She's All That in all its classic Hollywood corniness, there is just something that sets me on my teeth about Laney and her specs. Her character is played by Rachel Leigh Cook, who is a stunner in any universe. Her glasses, like many other mere inanimate objects, just do not have the ability to transform her face into a cat's arse. Yet when Freddy Prince Jr removes them, she is suddenly revelled as 'beautiful'. Fuck you Laney. Fuck you, and go you at the same time. Go you for getting Freddy in the end.

C: Atticus Finch. Lawyer. Quiet activist against racism in the deep south. Intelligent. Dignified. Sophisticated. Dead shot. Dresses fantastically well. Wears specs like it's no one's business. Is there nothing this man can't do?

D: Miranda Prestley.  Despite the fact that Miranda is played by her Merrylsty and is automatically a character to love, this saucy woman is still the shit and she knows it. As editor of a high profile fashion magazine, she dresses like you'd imagine she would, like a sophisticated Goddess of Prada. She also is relentless in the manipulation of her employees, asking the impossible of new assistant Anne Hatherway and simply dismissing her with a raised eyebrow, her signature gesture of the hand and an absolute "that's all". She is quite mature as well, with her soft silver crested waves falling over her face and poor eyesight, but instead of letting her age hinder her, it just adds to her presence. Miranda is just heavenly bitchin' in all that she is. "Florals?" she says. "For spring? Groundbreaking."

E: Moss. Yes, The IT Crowd is not a film; it is a television series but I couldn't not include dear Moss in this list. Moss and I share many common characteristics; we're both dark skinned, we will inevitably share the glass eyed trait, we both have fanatical hair, we both spend too much time obsessing over technology (although he's a lot more skilled with it than I am), we're both insanely intelligent and hilarious and awkward, etc. Moss is just an excellent almost blind role model for me! Who else could supremely utter "I came here to drink milk and kick arse. And I've finished my milk." Those glasses ain't holding him down.

In short, kids, you can be a spectacled being and still hold an ultimate aura of cool. When I grow up, I can't wait to be lensed up and ready to prowl. Can't you?

Talk to Me Girl: Kobi Blake-Craig

Jokes, she totally likes me. KOBI LIKES ME OKAY

Kobi Blake-Craig ticks all of the right boxes. She's easy on the eyes, amazingly witty, has an appreciation for the fine art of puns and she laughs at my jokes! I like this chick and you will too, just have a browse through her spiffingly schwinging blog. We had a chat about all sorts. Now enter the scene.

Act One
Sarah is stationed within her family's Nissan. They are driving home after an exhausting day of shopping, at approximately 6:11pm. Sarah flicks quickly through her phone, refreshing her newsfeed. She quietly chortles at her friends' ventures and then instantaneously swears under her breath, tapping desperately at her screen. This continues as she participates in a simultaneous milk and noodle run and returns home, shovelling dinner into her system and flipping open her mac.

SARAH: Oh fuck. Sorry Kobi, I forgot that we made an appointment. I've been out and about.
KOBI: It's quite alright.
SARAH: So how's life?
KOBI: Finshed work at the indie hot spot and had a sleep and just work up... thug life
SARAH: Oh dear. Working our way through the weekend are we?
KOBI: Another day another dollar
SARAH: I had work and I considered eating myself out of sheer boredom
KOBI: I wanted to spew over the peplem dresses
SARAH: Not a fan of peplums are you
KOBI: I'm a fan of them when they are in the bin, where they belong

SARAH: Are there any other trends that you particularly dislike, besides our good friend the peplum?

KOBI: Galaxy, it's like why the fuck would you wear the universe in the form of a leotard?

SARAH: I love all things space. I think the universe is stupendous. And I thought space things were kind of cool... But I dunno, it's been ruined. Since it has become slutgear that is.

KOBI: It's the skin tightness of it, its become like the mainstream 12 year old slut uniform

SARAH: Pretty much. I think we were born in the wrong generation Kobes. If you could have lived in any era, what would it be?

KOBI: I don't know, roaring twenties looked like a little bit of fun. Place the fact that I am a female, writing would not have been so mainstream. I probably would have been jailed for my vulgar language

SARAH: I like to think either the 60s or the Jurassic era. I mean, it's Beatles or dinosaurs. I'd be down with either

KOBI: Argh, change my mind. Beatles are my life. If I lived in the 20's I would end up conforming to socieities norms because I'm a woman and being forced to marry and become a baby machine. I am all for female liberation dude

SARAH: The sixties would have been tops. You'd have good music and fashion.

KOBI: I actually own all the Beatle's studio albums and EP's so I already have good music.

SARAH: No I mean like imagine living in Hairspray.

KOBI: I guess. I would hate to put that much effort into getting dressed

SARAH: Yeah... I have to go, brb sorry

Cue Sarah swallowing her vegetarian Singapore noodles and lemon, lime and bitters. She swiftly returns to her mac.

SARAH: Ok, I'm back. My sister asked the worst possible question today

KOBI: Oh I'm intrigued

SARAH: She asked if she could cut up my Frankie magazines for the sake of her art assignment

KOBI: WHAT. I think I just burst some blood vessels in my eyes

SARAH: She didn't seem to understand what she was asking

KOBI: That's practically like asking to cut up human babies for the sake of art...tacky

SARAH: At least you understand! She said I was being selfish

KOBI: She is being delusional

SARAH: Argh siblings

KOBI: Want mine?

SARAH: You know, I actually always wanted a little brother

KOBI: I'll give you mine for free

SARAH: He can't be that bad...

KOBI: He lit a match in attempt to give me thrid degree burns when he was 4. Enough said

SARAH: It's funny how people try to kill their siblings when they're really young. I sat on my sister's head when she was two weeks old

KOBI: I wish I had sorted my brother out like that back then. Now he is a little like a wart you want to get removed but you don't because it has an almost loveable quality about it

SARAH: I love my sister though, she can just be a bit silly. Like, when she asked my formal partner if he was going to our post and he said no, he had tutoring early the next day, she laughed for about two decades in his face

KOBI: That's awkward. My brother keeps asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. It's like bitch, I'm a feminist, deal with it. He was like I think you are just covering for being a lesbian

SARAH: Hahaha. Yeah, I've honestly never had a boyfriend and I don't feel an urge to get one.

KOBI: It's too mainstream

SARAH: I don't know why everyone feels that you NEED a beau when you're a certain age

KOBI: That is how unwanted pregnancies start

SARAH: It totally is! Besides, I've never met anyone of a suitable age that I would genuinely like to spend most of my time with

KOBI: I like a man with good books

SARAH: Good looks help also. Although, that's a bit much to ask for in my case

KOBI: Oh Sarah, you are a little hard on yourself. What guy doesn't like a top knot

SARAH: Top knots are the sex, boys just don't seem to realise it. I will admit, I love me a good pair of eyebrows

KOBI: I am partial to a man who appreciates the art of puns and hating Jodi Picoult

SARAH: Punniness is a must. I wonder if you could place that as a desirable quality in a site like RSVP?

KOBI: I would love to try. I mean people practically list their favorite positions

SARAH: Exactly

KOBI: Why not list punniness... it is a characteristic

SARAH: Girl with a top knot seeking tall male companion with beasts of eyebrows, love of quality literature, an appreciation of puns and a healthy sense of sarcasm

KOBI: Now isn't that rereshing. John Howard sounds like your perfect match minus the puns/sarcasm/tallness and love of literature

SARAH: Oh excellent! When I say beasts of eyebrows, I mean eyebrows that don't like they've been plucked to exhaustion. That is a major turnoff

KOBI: It is slightly non-masculine

SARAH: Like Gosling's eyebrows. That boy has great eyebrows

KOBI: Oh they are out of this world

SARAH: How would you write your dating profile Kobes?

KOBI: Deliciously below average looking woman seeking a male specimen who is punny, literate well read (obviously this excludes Jodi Picoult) and reasonably athletic without being a dickhead. Sarcasm is pertinent or else we will not understand each other. Desirable that he knows how to behave well in cinemas

SARAH: Dammit, I totally would be your perfect other half. It's just that I'm not man enough I'm afraid

KOBI: It's a shame really Sarah. They also must listen to tasteful music

SARAH: I'd have that as a requirement also. Anyone that listens to screamo can forget getting all up in this

KOBI: Argh I second that

SARAH: I mean that. There's not a lot of music I distinctly hate but I cannot stand screamo

KOBI: It's like impaling my head to nails on a brick wall

SARAH: I don't even mind dubstep either, it's just screamo. What are they screaming about anyway? How much their throats hurt because of how much they have to scream?

KOBI: If they articulated their words better we may understand what they are saying

SARAH: Damn straight.

KOBI: Maybe I should say screaming

SARAH: Speaking of music, are you listening to any right now?

KOBI: Yes. Embarrassingly I am going through a rather 90's driven stage

SARAH: How is that embarrassing? I love the 90s

KOBI: Currently playing is Boys and Girls, Blur

SARAH: Good selection. As of now I am listening to lots of P!nk which is a nice change from the constant replays of Gangnam Style

KOBI: I go through stages when I listen to music from a particular time period. Honestly though 70's are my all time favorite era

SARAH: 90s and 60s are my personal faves

KOBI: I am very partial to some Elvis though. Bit of Burning Love never goes astray on my lonely Friday nights

SARAH: Darling! On my lonesome nights, Touch My Body is always quite good

KOBI: I actually have a playlist entitled Company for Friday Night

SARAH: Now that's invigorating

KOBI: It's comprised of twenty tracks. A little long for a playlist

SARAH: Give us a sample

KOBI: But then again so are Friday nights. It includes You Sexy Thing, Hot Chocolate

SARAH: It's suddenly a good playlist

KOBI: Clothes off - Gym Class heroes

SARAH: Sounds excellent

KOBI: Baby Phat De La Soul... I'm thinking about putting it up on the Department for my 9 followers to enjoy but it is kinda your thing

SARAH: Nooo dooo itttt. Making playlists is for everyone, not just for a special few. It's not like singing or making art. I don't care what you say, NOT EVERYONE can sing

KOBI: I second that. I am as tone deaf as a gold fish and know it

SARAH: As am I. I don't know why people won't let me embrace it

KOBI: I do at assembly school hymn time

SARAH: Doesn't everyone? Hymn time is something I will not miss

KOBI: Place at the table is my fav hymn

SARAH: I don't mind Go Make a Difference personally. Although Yes Lord makes me consider manslaughter

KOBI: It's so repetitive it makes me homicidal

SARAH: And the actions! The actions make us seem like members of a Christian cult

KOBI: We basically are forced members of a christian cult

SARAH: I guess that comes with being enrolled in a Catholic school

KOBI: At least we behave like them

SARAH: True. We're the real prototypes of doublethink

KOBI: 1984 references are applicable to any situation

SARAH: 1984 references are just splendid

KOBI: Agreed

SARAH: Orwell was actually a genius. 1984 has become one of my must reads

KOBI: Animal Farm is also on that list I hope

SARAH: Yes, but I do have a special spot for 1984

KOBI: So do I

SARAH: What are you reading at the moment?

KOBI: Been a bit slow lately. I just finished headgames by nick earls and I'm kinda between books

SARAH: I hate that. When you're kind of being in a slow phase with books. I struggled to get out of my last one with The Beautiful and Damned

KOBI: I'm hoping to start White Teeth Zadie Smith

SARAH: What's that about?

KOBI: I don't really know, I sinned and picked a book by its cover

SARAH: I'm guilty of that crime

KOBI: It's the burden of being a visual learner I guess

SARAH: Well everything about reading is visual. You may as well have a visually appealing cover

KOBI: Agreed

SARAH: Okay, I have some words. I'd like your immediate thoughts when I tell you them

KOBI:I love this game

SARAH: Taxidermy

KOBI: Old women

SARAH: Tofu

KOBI: Marble benches

SARAH: What. What the actual shivering shit

KOBI: Here at the Blake-Craig residency we have marble bench tops, any food associate with them

SARAH: Ok...Algebra

KOBI: Vomit

SARAH: Kim Kardashian

KOBI: Bum

SARAH: Ha! Peplum

KOBI: Slut

SARAH: Dolphin

KOBI: Rape

SARAH: Burgundy

KOBI: Mostache

SARAH: Majestic

KOBI: Myself. Jks. It's actually the captains walking in the college candle etc at the start of assembly

SARAH: HAHAHA.  Ok, montague

KOBI: Gun

SARAH: And last one that I can think of, girl with a top knot

KOBI: Awesomeness

SARAH: Dawww, shanks Kobes.

KOBI: Welcome

End Scene

Why Can't I Be You Lisbeth Salander?

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Lisbeth, you are crude, royally unstable, dress like a sickeningly 'misunderstood' emo (or goth, whatever) and you stalk people for a living. You know what though? Lisbeth Salander, girl with a dragon tattoo, I like you.

If there is someone who epitomises cool, it's you. You pull off the endless shades of black, you have piercings, you ride around on your motorbike, you have the upper lip sneer bitch face thing going on. You're Swedish for god's sake. Your coolness is effortless for you. Times have been tough and you've learnt to be independent: you don't take shit from anyone. This is very cool; independent women are tops.

See? B and her homegirls agree. Speaking of Queen B, there is something that you are Lisbeth. You're Sasha fierce. Like I said before, you are not a force to be reckoned with. I'm pretty sure you've been in the doghouse for merciless bashing before. You can a crazy bitch when you need to be. Yet you never start it. You're just dealing with arseholes in your way.

You're also a deft hacker. Being a technotard, I commend you for this. Shit, I would hate to be investigated by you; you sure are able to scarily obtain the most minuscule details about people. You somehow managed to discover information about Mikel's high school band. How the actual... if you had done the same to me, I'd probably wouldn't even be angry or intimidated. I'd just be overwhelmed by your Jesus of hacking skills.

When I grow up, I don't want to be just like you. I just hope that I'm half as awesome as you are. Lisbeth, I shall continue to admire your badassery throughout the sequel books and movies that I am yet to read and watch. Lots of wide-eyed glances coming your way. All right, fangirl out.

FTYOLO

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Please, I don't understand. How is it that neon is back? That peplums are even considerable as a feature of clothing? That Instagramming everything has become the norm?

Neon was cool for a brief period in 2005 and in that crazy era that we call the 'eighties' but it never lasted, just as I suspect that this phase won't. As for peplums, for those who don't know, there is one predominant cause of these fashionable entities. To enlargen a woman's waist. Yes, that is what is up with our youth. Additionally, one year ago, I had Instagram. No one would follow me as none of my friends and/or their friends had it then. No one would join it for my sake. One year ago, the majority of the current trends would have been mocked if someone had dared practise them.

Yet here we are, moving desperately as a pack in our vans and skinny jeans, shouting "YOLO" to defend our mindless actions. Four years ago, the common acronym of choice would have been "LOL". Dafuq is up with this? A decade ago, no one spoke in degrading txt speak either. No. No one had Facebook or any of these other useless networks to constantly bombard others with their self promoting material. I swear that leopard print keeps reappearing too, whenever it seems that fashion designers cannot fulfil their careers and DESIGN SOMETHING NEW.

If there is any consistency in trends, it's in that some like to reappear. Again. And again. Just when you thought high waisted anything was truly rectified, there it was in 2010, dictating the waistbands of girls' jeans. And did I mention leopard print?

Being a young person, it also appears mandatorily within my discourse to follow these perplexing patterns in society. Apparently all teens have an automatically installed desire to be overwhelmingly cool. And in this, cool is supposed to be monotonous slavery to the current and now. That's what they tell me.

How about if I said no? That I couldn't care to follow the neon coloured flock of sheep? That I'll wear what I like, listen to what I like, watch what I like, etc. I am the girl with a top knot, not because top knots are supposedly trendy but because it just is an amazingly easy hair style to fall back upon for someone with an erratically wild mane like mine. I don't want to follow the trends in the now. Yet in doing this I am now following a anti-mainstream crowd thanks to the hipster wave.

I just cannot win.

The thing is, I could not care for being hipster either. Let me clarify myself. I could not give a flying fuck about trends. No. What I do care about is what I enjoy and what I like, whether it be trendy or not. In my very humble opinion, contemporary society would improve exponentially if all were to adopt this attitude. I am calling for a revolution people. It's called FTYOLO. Fuck trends, you only live once. Be sure to place this as a hashtag in your tweets and pins... this movement will be the next big thing.

A Tribute to Jacqueline Wilson

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They were only two of a multitude of books that my mother had bought for me, in an attempt to bring in a haul to satisfy my literary needs during the arduous (hahaha) time of my school's annual Readathon. The Story of Tracy Beaker and Double Act were their names and I was very pleased, thank you, to make their acquaintance. Little did I know that they were only two members of a family that I would strive to meet, to gather upon my bookcase and to reunite with again and again.

Upon quickly digesting Tracy Beaker's deliciously delightful diary, I was a goner. I had been sucked into this pommy child's intake of events and it was just fabulous. She used weird English words like snog and she loved being fantastically rude and outrageous, referring to people's behinds and naming her surrounding folk all sorts of names (like Elaine the Pain). She was confident and hilarious, two things I desperately strived to be. Her (Nick Sharratt's) drawings also were wonderfully whimsical - with their cartoon people all looking very silly and/or jolly. Tracy also wanted to be a writer as did I at the time so this obviously meant that we were meant to be BFFs.

While this was all very amusing, Wilson's depiction of life at Tracy's foster home (the Dump, she called it) also conveyed the universal understanding that shit happens. Life can suck. I commend her for this, as this gentle nudge was excellent for someone at my age. More children's material should be like this, not overly depressing, just acknowledging of this unavoidable factor. It can't always be fucking cray cray colours and ponies and magic all the time; why do we subject young ones to texts that proclaim such rot? My gurl Jackie Wils was keeping it real and I sure could appreciate this as a nine year old.

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In fact, I loved Tracy and I loved Ruby and Garnet in Double Act and I loved the other characters that were to follow in my Wilson collection. They all were girls, they were around my age and they all faced varying problems, in school, friendships, families, boys... they were just amazingly relatable, even with their foreign slang and references to English culture. All of these girls had to somehow deal with issues like divorce, drugs, social isolation and by the end, there was always a resolution. Shit got solved. They also grew with me: Jacquline had more mature protagonists in different stories which were great - I found this with girls like thirteen year old Violet in Midnight. 

There was a point where I did further develop my literary tastes but the truth is, I still adore these books. Although they are all fiction, they still hold a strong sense of reality. Thank you Jackie, for making me snort, for willing me to become more daring (along with many other things), for making me value my family and friends; thank you for telling it like it is. You are one awesome lady and I salute you.