Dear Future Boyfriend/Fiance/Husband/Fuck Buddy/Client/Hired Employee/Whatever Intimate Relation,
Firstly, you should congratulate me. I managed to breach the intimate line with another human being. Then you should hop into a time machine that you'll inevitably have available to you and inform current me that no, I will not have to invest in a large number of cats and soft porn. If this doesn't make you question the legitimacy of our relationship, I question the legitimacy of your IQ. I apologize in advance, one mandatory requirement that I will definitely keep is that you are not a moron. So if your intelligence is in league with that of lé lapin, you will be dismissed. I'll take cats over twats any day.
However, I trust my future self, (the greatest love of all comes from yourself as Whitney liked to accentuate) so there you go. You'll be of an acceptable cleverness, you'll have lovely eyebrows that I could sleep in and you'll share my love of fabulous literature, film and tunage. Why else would I spend the majority of my time with you?
I'm writing to you to warn you of something. Something that may shake our relationship. You know how couples like to embrace a lot and when they go out together and they may even engage in synchronized movement to some music. I know this happens outside of movies, because at the age of 10 I had already been to enough weddings to verify this fact. Yeah, awkward because I can't dance.
I can't dance my love, I can't. I will certainly perform some sort of jovial jumping and wiggling hybrid but I don't move in a cohesive way to music. I know now how more humanities based Asians feel when society questions why they're aren't mathematically gifted. I'm black and I can't dance. So what do we do?
I have a proposal. We dance anyway. I can't dance and as of now I don't give a flying fucktasia. Imma shake mah thang regardless; so I don't see how this should stop me in the future. What I am worried about is that you'll be too embarrassed to dance with me. And I honestly hope this isn't the case. I want to dance with you darling and I want you to not care about the sudden isolation we'll be in when on the d-floor. Not only that, I want you to WANT to dance with me. Yeah, that's a lot I'm asking of you. But when you do fulfill this standard, I'll know I'll have snagged a worthy manfriend.
There's this terrible yet amazing expression that we have right now, I don't know if it'll still be around in your time. You Only Live Once. Maybe it's not true, but irrespective of this, I think we should embrace it. Why not boogie it down with me, even if I appear to be having an upright seizure? YOLO it up my dear.
Your Ladyfriend's 17-old-self