Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Word to all Carnivores, Omnivores and Herbivores Alike

Jim Benton via WeHeartIt

Dear general human population,

I am a vegetarian and have been for the last two years. Individuals who partake in varying dietary intakes, which are all wonderfully diverse, surround me; I have some vego friends, lots of omnivore mates and the occasional carnivore associate who likes to challenge my no meat scheme. No matter, I enjoy these debates. We may never have harmonized opinions, but that is A OK. As Grandmother Muriel once wisely digressed to my mother, “if everyone was the same, it would be a boring world”. With this aside, I feel that the time has come to declare a bite of food for thought about what I like to call vegetarianism etiquette. All straight meat heads, curly vegos and bi-curious eaters, be sure to digest this. 

I don't judge you for eating meat, why on earth are you holding prejudice against me for not eating it?
Seriously you intolerant bitch, my diet is the closest thing that I have to a religion. I am not joking, I can't even wear leather now without feeling pangs of guilt. It is a lifestyle, it affects the way you see everything. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! Sometimes I almost feel as alienated as  a day walker ranga ginger someone with red hair or a Jew. If you're going to challenge my lifestyle, please be polite and openminded about it. Likewise goes for vegetarians against meatheads. You made your choice, that does not automatically lend you a permit to shove your eating regime down others' throats like you're some kind of saint.

If you want to become a vegetarian, quit whining about it and either do it or please quietly continue on with your meat eating existence; I actually could not give a shivering shit if it makes you miserable.
Honestly, I am not some kind of herbivores’ agony aunt. If you are going to do something for me, please never ever wail that you want to be a vegetarian, but [insert inconceivably logical reasoning that would surely prevent anyone from becoming a vegetarian. Wait, did I say inconceivably logical? I meant inconceivably questionable].
Please do not misinterpret what I am trying to say; there are reasonable justifications for not becoming a vegetarian. Among others, they include health and love of meat. Seriously, I understand the latter; I became a vegetarian comfortably because I was never that attached to sausages, chops, bacon etc.
However, there are the inconceivably questionable theorems to consider (or not, they are a waste of time and energy).
My favourites are the excuses from young people that concern parents. Being a young person myself, these comments make me feel almost wary of my generation and our potential- we can be so laughable. Such said reasons include “My mum thinks I’m too young” and “They won’t cook or buy vegetarian food for me”.
Sweetheart, if you are mature enough to enter the no meat zone and declare your concern for animal rights, surely you must also be mature enough to get off your backside, buy your own meat alternatives and fabricate your own veggie feast. It is not your poor parents’ responsibility to do this for you. If they do, how splendid! You have a family that is able to love a languid little turd (lol jks ily). If not, do not blame your own laziness on innocent bystanders. This is like complaining that you cannot be a Muslim because your unreasonable Christian parents will not read the Qur’an to you three times a day. Vegetarianism is something you must claim responsibility for and that you must channel for yourself. 

Finally, vegetarians are people too.
A man once asked me if my vegetarianism made me more passive, as if I was exempt from feeling passion and hatred just because I had refrained from eating meat for two years and somehow meat makes people emotional in his head. Besides being one of the stupidest questions I had ever heard (trust me Big Bird, there is such a thing as a stupid question), it was flabbergasting. If only for my sake, please remember that vegetarians have feelings too- if anything, they can be some of the most cynical, passionate, quiet and divergent people you will ever meet. We're basically you, but with a higher chance of an iron deficiency.

On a lighter note, here's a different way of looking at it.

Yours truly,
The girl with a top knot


  1. dam. talk about food porn. also: vegetarians unite!