Reserving the Right to Jam Snobbery

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Before beginning, I will clarify that I am NOT a food snob. I love the convenience of cake mixes, frozen meals and powdered drinks. I mean, if it tastes good, its artificial evil can be temporarily ignored right? (Cue untimely death) However, when it comes to the delicate subject of spreads, I am very particular in my tastes in a particular sort of way. As far as I am concerned there are two very important jams to be aware of and in a sense, they are the ultimates. They are the Voldemort and Harry Potter of jams. Maybe not that ultimate, but they are immensely significant in that they are alike in varying ways but they are different.

What are they? Meet raspberry and strawberry jam. Two opposing but very similar looking forces. On one hand, there's the conventional gunky tasting bright red strawberry and on the other, the sweeter, less common, darker raspberry. If ever you are going to serve me toast, please note that I am a raspberry girl all the way. Raspberry jam is tops. Strawberry jam is not. While some (most) of society will not care for my particularity about this condiment, I will openly reserve my right to my shunning of strawberry jam. No, it is not because I am a pedantic hipster who cares only for insignificant entities. It's something that I'm placing into my mouth and allowing to pass through my digestive system, should that not grant me the right to jam snobbery?

Since no one within my company has seemed to allow me this, I in my all new level of sad have approached the internet. Even if the minute percentage of the world's population that reads this blog does not approve of my condiment obsession, I do not care. I shall never waver from my tastes in jam and if that is so wrong, then I shall just enjoy it all the more as a sick pleasure. Anyone up for a jam sandwich?

Literally the Best Thing Ever: Fairy Bread

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What's covered in rainbow sprinkles and is full of happiness and magic? What fills anyone with a fulfilled upbringing with nostalgia?
FAIRY BREAD, THAT'S WHAT.

This treat is as equally scrumptious as it is picturesque; it's something that appeals to my visual snobbery and my taste palate. As a child, I used to scramble for fairy bread bread at birthday parties, shared lunches; anywhere that it was served, young Sarah would be there. I don't think I realised at the time how spiffing it was, I just took it as a given right. Now, the times I'll eat fairy bread are few and far between, but when consuming it, I'll give this splendid little fella the appreciation it needs. It makes me feel fuzzy inside now, as it bewitchingly seems to cast a rose coloured tint on everything in your environment. Fairy bread is like unicorns and good books, there is no limit to what happiness it can bring.

It is also ridiculously easy to fabricate. In fact, this sprinkled delight shits on most other sweet thangs in terms of simplicity and it has a making process that is genuinely enjoyable (get stuffed, actual cooking). So much so, it also appeals to my overt laziness and limited culinary ability. Anyone from a classified Iron Chef to a four year old can produce fairy bread, all it requires is some bread, butter, hundreds' and thousands' and a knife (plate optional- only if you would like to appear to be civilised).

1. Spread butter onto bread, with coherence to personal preference of thickness of butter. I like mine thin, as I do not really want to taste it; I just want a mouth full of artificially coloured specks.
2. Sprinkle coloured dots onto buttered bread. You can do this two ways, sensibly with delicacy or like you're reenacting a techni-coloured snow storm. The former is to be recommended if avoiding mess/suddenly transformed maniacal kitchen owners.
3. Cut bread into fun shapes, e.g. triangles as illustrated above, or use cookie cutters and get down with creativity. This step is mandatory: to eat rectangular fairy bread like it is regular bread is just wrong. Urghh why would you suggest such a thing you horrible human being?
4. Be filled with a great sense of nostalgia (if you are an old timer), then devour in your usual manner. Be amazed at how it wonderful it is.

You see? Fairy bread is literally the best thing ever.

A Word to all Carnivores, Omnivores and Herbivores Alike

Jim Benton via WeHeartIt

Dear general human population,

I am a vegetarian and have been for the last two years. Individuals who partake in varying dietary intakes, which are all wonderfully diverse, surround me; I have some vego friends, lots of omnivore mates and the occasional carnivore associate who likes to challenge my no meat scheme. No matter, I enjoy these debates. We may never have harmonized opinions, but that is A OK. As Grandmother Muriel once wisely digressed to my mother, “if everyone was the same, it would be a boring world”. With this aside, I feel that the time has come to declare a bite of food for thought about what I like to call vegetarianism etiquette. All straight meat heads, curly vegos and bi-curious eaters, be sure to digest this. 

I don't judge you for eating meat, why on earth are you holding prejudice against me for not eating it?

Seriously you intolerant bitch, my diet is the closest thing that I have to a religion. I am not joking, I can't even wear leather now without feeling pangs of guilt. It is a lifestyle, it affects the way you see everything. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! Sometimes I almost feel as alienated as  a day walker ranga ginger someone with red hair or a Jew. If you're going to challenge my lifestyle, please be polite and openminded about it. Likewise goes for vegetarians against meatheads. You made your choice, that does not automatically lend you a permit to shove your eating regime down others' throats like you're some kind of saint.

If you want to become a vegetarian, quit whining about it and either do it or please quietly continue on with your meat eating existence; I actually could not give a shivering shit if it makes you miserable.

Honestly, I am not some kind of herbivores’ agony aunt. If you are going to do something for me, please never ever wail that you want to be a vegetarian, but [insert inconceivably logical reasoning that would surely prevent anyone from becoming a vegetarian. Wait, did I say inconceivably logical? I meant inconceivably questionable].

Please do not misinterpret what I am trying to say; there are reasonable justifications for not becoming a vegetarian. Among others, they include health and love of meat. Seriously, I understand the latter; I became a vegetarian comfortably because I was never that attached to sausages, chops, bacon etc.

However, there are the inconceivably questionable theorems to consider (or not, they are a waste of time and energy).

My favourites are the excuses from young people that concern parents. Being a young person myself, these comments make me feel almost wary of my generation and our potential- we can be so laughable. Such said reasons include “My mum thinks I’m too young” and “They won’t cook or buy vegetarian food for me”.

Sweetheart, if you are mature enough to enter the no meat zone and declare your concern for animal rights, surely you must also be mature enough to get off your backside, buy your own meat alternatives and fabricate your own veggie feast. It is not your poor parents’ responsibility to do this for you. If they do, how splendid! You have a family that is able to love a languid little turd (lol jks ily). If not, do not blame your own laziness on innocent bystanders. This is like complaining that you cannot be a Muslim because your unreasonable Christian parents will not read the Qur’an to you three times a day. Vegetarianism is something you must claim responsibility for and that you must channel for yourself. 

Finally, vegetarians are people too.
A man once asked me if my vegetarianism made me more passive, as if I was exempt from feeling passion and hatred just because I had refrained from eating meat for two years and somehow meat makes people emotional in his head. Besides being one of the stupidest questions I had ever heard (trust me Big Bird, there is such a thing as a stupid question), it was flabbergasting. If only for my sake, please remember that vegetarians have feelings too- if anything, they can be some of the most cynical, passionate, quiet and divergent people you will ever meet. We're basically you, but with a higher chance of an iron deficiency.

On a lighter note, here's a different way of looking at it.

Yours truly,

The girl with a top knot