Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Warning: Coarse Language

found via weheartit

I have a confession to make. I swear like a drunken sailor lifting a colossal whore of a weight. I know that my vulgarity may offend you, and I solemnly apologise. Just kidding you twat, you can get out if you don't want to read my foal rants.

Seriously though, I like the employment of coarse language. Sure, others may not appreciate it, but I get it. In fact, I think I like people all the more when they are the type to use foal terminology, but only when appropriate and if they are the type to utilise it with imagination, all the better. It's not stuff that should be regularly spat out, distastefully. I personally believe that we should enunciate swear words, savour them and insert them into the best possible contexts. Why? Because it's delicious and nothing else quite captures the same essence. I don't care what your mother personally feels about other extensive vocabulary in the English language. NOTHING ELSE QUITE DOES IT.

What else could really be an adequate substitute for shit? Or fuck? Or bastard? I'm sorry, poo, fornicate and dolt are all smashing in their own ways, but do they really capture the same aura? That's right my dear fagatrons. They do not, indeed. When you are sacked, dumped by your beloved and are kicked out of your squalid apartment, you will NOT, hear me, sit down and exclaim, "oh dear". Oh no. Whatever shall I do. Unless you are a nun or a monk, chances are, you will release your inner drunken sailor. Admittedly, it won't suddenly undo all of the damage you have suffered on this horrible day, but it will make you feel a smidgen better. If there is a lack of a)children or b)the elderly within a radius of 15 metres, there should be no shame in that.

All right anti swear cows. Why do you think 'shit happens' is such an effective mantra? Or why Jenna Marbles is so popular? People relate. There is some kind of warped beauty in the simplicity of swearing, as my good friend Kobi observed. Ever notice how you can insert the word fuck into a fucking sentence anyfuckingwhere and it will still make fucking sense? And the variations of swearing are just endless fun to explore. Shit, shitting, shat, etc. Most of these words are adaptable as hell and you can almost always twist them to express yourself. Really, it's kind of universal: you'll notice that many people will eagerly stock up on swear words from other languages unknown to them. Swearing is just a human ability that is global.

The secret to swearing is in your tone. You mean that your friend is a selfish bitch, you screech it like an  agitated girl at her selfish bitch of a friend. You mean that your friend is a selfish bitch for eating all of your chocolate, you smirk at her, nudging her belly. You mean that kid is a shit, you tell that little prat. You mean that the kid is the shit, you congratulate that excellent mutha fucker. You know? It's all in your intonation. This only gets better with practise, so I shall differentiate myself from all of the predominant adults in your childhood and digress that you should practise swearing. Get out there and try it. But try it with an veteran vulgar mouth, one that knows you're not actually trying to question their mother's sexuality. Please note, I will not be held responsible for any wreckages of relationships, career opportunities or any other life aspects you hold dear.

As your proud new botEl (bastardisations of the English language) mentor, all I really ask is that you are not as reluctant to shy away from your inner drunken sailor. Sometimes, it just needs some fucking nurturing.

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